tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central August 6, 2015 10:30pm-11:01pm PDT
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. oh, do we have a program for you tonight. an ultimate-- penultimate episode it is the one that everyone will probably forget! except for our guest tonight louis c.k. is going to be here! (cheers and applause) now we've got two more-- more shows left before i see the gentle yet firm gravitational pull of my home planet, new jersey.
(laughter) i would like to reflect on what we have built here over these past 16 years. we worked awfully hard. and not every show has been up to snuff but weapon's given it our all every single time. that is the thing that impresses me most. everybody gives it all. and i feel like what we've built here is a monument to evisceration. (laughter) issues pundits politicians we here at the show left no target undisemboweled. in fact, if you are still walking around with a belly full of viscera know this we didn't forget you. (laughter) we'll put it all up on the web. and by the way it wasn't just he advise-- eviscerating, we demolished crushed. we annihilateed things. i can remember one night even the hulk was like dude hey slow down. (laughter)
i mean hulk angry but pleased. and so now at the end of my tenure, with all my targets pulverized into ash before me, i would like to take a moment to see my crushed enemies driven before me and hear the lamentation of their women. in our new segment on the daily show destroyer of worlds. (cheers and applause) first up islamic terrorism when isis burst on the scene last year many people thought that be a tough nut to crack and eviscerate and defeat. not us. (laughter) we trained our daily show site scare oned problem and unleashed devastating laser is a tire. >> sweeping in a sand storm these guys aren't tactical geniuses.
apocalyptic death blood thirsty i know that because it is on all of their advertising. the group is called isis. not to be confused with their early '90s incarnation vanilla isis. >> boom! somebody virulent strain of radical oppression just got humbled by a dated pop culture reference. what what? (cheers and applause) we advice rated them we demolished them. isis i hummably accept your surrender. >> a intelligence reports paints a grim view of the war with isis suggesting the group may be just as strong now as it was a year ago-- (laughter) >> jon: i hit them with a really good [bleep] pun. (laughter) i know the problem isis is
spotty regional access to basic cable. i mean they probably don't even know about-- you guys should really check out the show on-line. you'll be eviscerated. well anyway that is not the only problem we bored through with our diamond tip drill bit of ridicule. race relations a subject a decade ago was radiating a chernobyl level of toxicity until we here at the daily show judo chopped it into a million little pieces. >> the cops got to use the "n" word for it to be racism you never heard the phrase a picture is worth a thousand epithets. >> did you just he who smelt it dealt it racialism. >> don't carry a gun if you are black. don't even carry gum t sounds too much like gun. >> one of these two men has five kids in various locations by multiple baby mamas and the other is lebron james. but boom! i think we swement up that centuries old saga of stagnant repression and
inequality rather nicely you're welcome america to our new post racial world. >> another disturbing video showing a white police officer killing an unarmed black man. >> all eyes matter. you can't say only black lives matter. (laughter) [bleep] god, all right let's just move on it another one of my classic adversaries the big banks. no one has yet been held accountable for the 2008 financial crisis. a new segment we call how the [bleep] is it that martha stewart went to jail stlam. >> wall street is mad as hell! and they're not going to take it anymore! unless by it you mean $2 trillion in their own bailout money. >> if you are part of a financial institution that laundered thetñ [bleep] with sport you will go to the hamptons or some
of you to monster.com. and stay down. i didn't just eviscerate wall street i burned that bitch to the ground drove the asphalt paved over them and built an arbies on top. (cheers and applause) >> oh yeah that's right. an arby ssz. arby's, a lot more than your 401(k) is going down the toilet. (applause) >> that's a good one. that was a good one. let's see how the financial industry is coping in the wake of my onslaught. >> a trader sentenced to 14 years behind bars for his role in the global conspiracy to rig interest rates. tom hayes was found guilty of trying to man i lais late rates in four years at city group, he was the first banker to be tried he received one of the hashest penalties since the financial crisis. >> take that one guy! crime doesn't pay.
unless you are anyone other than that one guy. (laughter) perhaps fox news the best known target in our show's proverbial cross hairs paid the ultimate press. their sprite driven anger machine routed in the fear that any change in the stat outside did -- statusco with erode the power structure. >> where can the fear be coming from. i guess-- oh god. >> on bull [bleep] mountain. >> we report you can suck it. >> you are the loopus of news. >> you're [bleep] down now you're [bleep] down now. >> not only did i take down fox news i did it with the power of song. face it, fox now you're just a bloody husk of the news corporation you once were irrelevant. >> kaput. >> this thursday's gop primary debate hosted by fox news. >> fox news will make the decision tomorrow night as
to which candidates make it in the prime time. (laughter) >> jon: i did say fox news influence is gone. what i meant was it's gone all the way to the white house. it will decide the next leader of the free world. what the [bleep] is going on here! goddamn it! (cheers and applause) the world is demonstrably worse than when i started. i have caused this? has if all been for naught? as i shuffle off this basic cable coil must i discover my years of evisceration have em bettered nothing? 16 years of bar b's ander.
>>s spurred none to greatness. but we have had one thing in common. north of-- neither of us have ever thrown a no-hitter. >> just warming up baseball see some pie mets are in mid season sucking form. >> oh for god's sake the mets are at the bottom of the arab league as well. this can't be. it's just embarrassing. the mets can't even do well in the arab league. those countries don't even play baseball. no! i shutter to envision the depths to which the next clip will illuminate the further ensucking. of my beloved new york metropolitans. >> what difference a week makes for the mets. last week the sky was falling, today first place. take a look for your sell. you got to see it to believe it. >> (cheers and applause) >> yes!
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. now tomorrow's final show is going to be incredible. i hope you tune into the final show, i think it will be incredible but i really think i would be doing a terrible disservice to my sev and the fans in signing off if i didn't bring attention to one of my feel rans, the five finger fillet i stab around my finger was hurting myselfment i will start stabbing my fingers incredibly sharp blade and mi obviously prone to show related bloodee hand accidents so i am going to stab myself -- >> jon jon jon. >> oh thank god. thank you. thank you. >> jon as your correspondent couldn't let you step down as host without taking one last gander. >> jon: that is touching guys i appreciate it. >> jon, to millions of
people around the world you were a man on tv. >> hmm. >> from 11 p.m. until 11:30 p.m. monday through thursday. >> hmm. >> words sound bites and then more words. >> jon: guys that isn't much appreciation you are just stating facts. >> every moment captured on videotape via camera and that tinny microphone attached to your suit jacket. >> jon: this is just they can call-- technical. >> jon, everyone what turned on this show saw you except for that one summer when they saw a taller british you. >> jon: yeah that -- >> so jon it's with our eyes that we take one last look at all the times that you were here. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i would like to offer one guest a spot on this program, with our new
segment really? that's what we're calling it? is that-- (laughter) by techno phobic segment jon stewart looks at his junk. do we have another segment that i could-- (laughter) hmmmm you should watch my brand-new segment-- the things that i did may have been catastrophickically wrong but i think we can all agree i did do them. >> do you wish the front of you looked more like the back of you? >> someone's going to have to suck the big man's [bleep] i guess. >> this is a debacle. >> toad el loo. (laughter) i was being told that in my ear, by the way. >> i'm being told that i don't have an earpiece. >> what's the deal with sodomy. >> am hickory dic ory dock
your health-care plan sucks -- >> obama makes sun go away. >> that's not the name we discussed. >> 50 points to given door. >> i rather go to war. >> do go on. >> i said we shouldn't do that one so if we could just-- i don't think that that -- >> did you hear that mr. bartholomew. >> you can't buy taste. >> andela. >> i feel a trap. >> i like applesauce. >> i don't think that that is better in-- (laughter) send your letters to brian williams. >> what the blubber -- >> oh no you didn't. >> i thought we were going to change that. >> who is it that i talked to about getting these changed. >> dancing with the pelvis and the -- >> are you eating it with a fork. oh [bleep] fork! oh!
>> i think your mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here jimmy. >> oh i amuse. how do i amuse you what am i, a clown you think? what am i a clown is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you guys. i really i have to say that i really i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. it's the--
>> louis louis louis! >> i hear that a lot. i hear that a lot. (laughter) weird. >> jon: they're not booing, their shouting louis. although when it's me they're actually booing. >> never's really booing. >> jon: really booing, thank you, thank you for being here. >> thanks for having me. i'm thrilled to be your last dude. person. i just, i came on behalf of comedy to say-- . >> jon: on behalf of comedy. >> yeah. >> jon: you're representing comedy. >> i represent all comedy. >> jon: uh-huh. >> just to say you know nice job. >> jon: thank you, my friend. i praerbt it. >> you're welcome. >> jon: louis and i started together. in fact i have to tell you is the other night i went down to the cellar the comedy cellar where i started. louis started in boston and then came down to new york and started working the cellar. >> that's right. you're one of the first guys i ever saw there the first or second comedian i ever
saw there. >> jon: at the cellar. >> yeah and you were so great. i was like who is this little jew he's funny. >> jon: that was the original title of my act. little funny jew. it was like a-- i would dress up in overalls. i'm going to miss watching you on this show. but i think the most reliable way to take a good thing and make it go bad is to hold on to it too long. that's really-- . >> jon: i think that's right. >> so you got to let it go an also you know it's really time to go. and also i would say when i heard you were leave-- i was sad when i heard you were leaving but i thought there is a new jon stewart show. that is why i got excited. you have been [bleep] this one for a long time dude. >> jon: i know the machinery here. and what is exciting to me about trevor being able to did this is it gives people who like this show a chance to fall in love again. >> yeah. to see what else. >> jon: you know what i mean.
>> falling in love starts with who the [bleep] is this. s this's where love-- . >> jon: right. >> all love begins with-- . >> jon: right. >> tas's how love begins. that is the first step towards love. >> jon: and love in a late night show is like because are's already in bed. >> yeah exactly. >> jon: so the new guy walks in and it really is going to be like you know i really do think i love jon but i guess more as a friend. like -- >> that's right. >> jon: like i want to [bleep] trevor's show. that kind of thing. >> that's right. >> jon: so i think it's going to invigorate all of our relationships. >> (cheers and applause) >> jon: in all different ways. i'm so happy to see you. i feel like what is so nice about, you know you and quinn and patel and nick you know ray and all the guys laura there is a bond there, we don't see each other for 10 20 it falls
back into place. >> you pick up right where you left off when you see each other. but i have got to tell you. i'm really amazed what you did here it is really impressive. you did this show for this long kept it this good for this long, and stayed with the world's events and you were a voice of reason and you were funny. it's really like one of the great comedy accomplishments of all time that you did. >> very nice. >> con gradlations. >> jon: here's the thing. is. >> i will almost always i will almost always uncomfortably deflate but when it's somebody that i love that i respect it means the world some thank you. >> people are throwing up right now. >> they're at home going oh stop it. oh god that's awful. >> jon: i guess the real thing that i wanted to say is louis and i are both dying. >> that's right. >> jon: i thought i would puncture it a little bit. >> we will both be dead in a
month. >> jon: i'm sorry. >> jon: we're going to g tomorrow night is the last one. >> him first and me a minute later. >> jon: by the way holding hands. it's going to be one of those stories on the web. >> we're going to die holding hands. >> jon: one of those stories like comedians that were together for 30 years die within a minute of each other. >> and then people will click on that and be like i hope i die with a comedian like that. >> but everything else is good? >> yeah fine. >> jon: by the way louis c.k. live at madison square garden is available on saturday. >> i want to say this about the new thing on my web site. i wouldn't buy t it's not very good. >> jon: not a good one. >> first of all it's mostly material in my last special. and i haven't heard the mix i think it was pretty bad so i made it like you could pay $1 or whatever you want. like you is set your price. because it doesn't seem fair to really sell if. >> if they listen it will you reimburse them for their
trouble because sometimes the download can be. >> yeah sure. >> jon: time is money and you got people there and they are downloading that thing. >> i will say this, if there is a loud off clear enough message that everybody wants their money back i will give it all back. how long does it take to download, i have a doleup. so to get through. >> you think i can get it in like 18 hours. >> about that don't listen to t you shouldn't get t don't get it don't get it. >> jon: i'm not listening to it at all. >> it comes out this saturday but just don't get it. >> jon: go to louis c.k..net just not to get it. >> yeah. (laughter) >> jon: louis c.k..
>> jon: that's our show everybody. remember remember tomorrow night tomorrow night is the final episode. it's going to go long. so remember to set your thing and bring a snack cuz we're going to be here awhile. here it is your moment of zen. >> the final tweet hitchbot said my love for humans will never fade. a thumbs up for people from